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Sunday, October 12, 2008

Bloody Barbecue & Photo Solicitation

My period started just over a week ago (on October 4th) and behaved very oddly; no cramps AT ALL (I might have had five seconds-worth of sensation that made me think I might get cramps), no big chunks, a very slow start . . . and a weird color. Instead of being purple-red or brown-red, it was orange-red. Almost like barbecue sauce smeared on my panties (normally a more plum colored or blackberry syrup color on the not-totally-RED-red days).

I've never seen anything like it.

The only thing I can attribute this to is that I started taking iodine supplements a few weeks ago because I suspect I have a sluggish thyroid. I've not had time to research it thoroughly, but haven't found anything anywhere describing orange period blood as a side effect of taking extra iodine.

I really feel the need/desire to start soliciting more flow photos just to create a library of what women's menstrual fluid REALLY LOOKS LIKE instead of still relying on vague, subjective descriptions for us all to try to figure out what is normal as though we live in fucking prehistoric times. Actually, I'll bet women knew more about what other women's periods looked like in prehistoric times. Now we do such a good job of hiding it we have no fucking clue. Of course, if I did this I'd have to make sure people know how to set the white balance on their cameras otherwise it would do no good color-wise (though would still be useful in documenting the amounts, consistency, etc.).

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

What Failure Looks Like: Exhibit B

As many of you know, we've been trying to get pregnant for over a year now which means that every time my period starts it's a reminder that I have failed to get pregnant.

bloody period panties

I took that picture of my cozy period panties with fresh new blood, pussy stains & hours old blood back in December after a particularly sad start (we'd hoped we'd conceived near Thanksgiving when I'm sure I ovulated; my period started after I'd been SO SURE I was pregnant and had spent time lovingly decorating our Christmas tree, thinking it would be the last Christmas we'd have without kids and looking forward to sharing a tree with them in the future.

After the initial disappointment, though, I remembered how much I love my period. It felt like my body was comforting me with warmth and color and proof that I'm alive and working properly inside. Cuddling up in bed with my period and two hot water bottles (one for my crampy abdomen and one for my feet) was the perfect treatment to feeling shitty about not being pregnant.

If I can't be pregnant, at least I can have my period. That's pretty nice.

Read more about how I feel about this on my (in)fertility blog with Exhibit A.

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Friday, March 28, 2008

Pink Spots, Not Lines

My period just started, all damp pink spots like barbie tears this time.

Here's the low-down on how I'm feeling about not being pregnant. Again. Still.

I am wearing a pad and picked out a pair of sheer mesh panties to do a shoot in, if we're feeling like it in a few hours.

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Flow: Off the Pill

I was concerned I'd have really bad cramps this month now that I'm off the pill; fortunately, that hasn't been the case. The cramps I did have Monday were very mild even though my flow is heavier than it was while I was on hormonal birth control (but still much less than when I was younger).

I've been looking forward to having a regular flow; it was usually very light while I was on the pill and with absolutely no chunks of tissue (what some people refer to as clots, even though they are NOT clots).

Maybe there's no medical reason to feel this way, but I felt like my pill periods were sort of weak and sickly. It's hard to describe, but since the flow was so light and the color sometimes more of a gloppy greyish-mauve the likes of which I've never seen on a normal period, I couldn't resist longing for a normal "healthy" period. And what, pray tell, do I imagine a "healthy" period looks like? Well, a lot more RED for one thing. From disturbingly bright and fresh red to dark tissue-laden dark red, to almost black-ish, to a swampy brownish color towards the end (that's how I've always referred to the less-red flow: swampy). On the pill, it was often like a nearly dried-up swamp after global warming.

Again, I have no "scientific" reason to think I was unhealthy while I was on the pill, especially when I know I was healthIER in some ways than I am off it, but I guess since I think of my uterus as a place meant to nurture new life, I want some kind of visible evidence that jives with that idea. Somehow a lackluster flow that's sometimes even a greyish pinkish mucous color doesn't seem as nurturing and healthy as a rich crimson flow with big hunks of flesh.

The off-pill flow seems to tell me I am really ALIVE inside and have plenty of extra juices and meat to go around. While I was on the pill I felt like that part of me was kind of dried up inside (even though my pussy was naturally more wet ON the pill than it is off the pill, and my body in general felt juicy and plump and happy as did my emotions).

I know it's totally silly, but I am kind of glad we didn't get pregnant last month before I had a chance to have this real period. Even if it makes absolutely no sense and a doctor would scoff at it, I just feel reassured by having a normal flow that I perceive as "healthy". I'm sure I'm prescribing meaning to my flow that it doesn't deserve, but seeing so much red in the toilet and hunks of my sloughed-off insides makes me feel like I have a good little nest inside me for a fetus. Seeing my flow this month makes me feel like everything is working right, and I wasn't so sure about that before. I was feeling old and dehydrated and I don't think that's how a mother-to-be should feel.

I guess I associate a heavier flow with youth and vitality, and a lighter flow with being old and somewhat feeble and less physically capable.

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Monday, July 23, 2007

Not a Moment Too Soon

My period (finally) started last night, and not a moment too soon. If my PMS had gone on any longer I'd have had to who-knows-what.

The timing of my period starting was kind of funny; I recently added a new weekly webcam chat session over here on Rude which I call News FLASH!. If you're a long time member of mine you already know how it works, but basically anyone who shares a current event in chat earns the privilege of requesting I "flash" a body part to them on cam. Boobs, ass, and pussy are the most-oft requested body parts so when my period started a half hour before the chat was due to start, I knew I'd also wind up flashing either a) blood or b) a tampon string.

Since I didn't feel like putting in a tampon so soon before bedtime (and I also wanted to observe my flow carefully since it's the first period I've had since going off the pill) I wound up flashing my pussy to the viewers in what first appeared to be a very tidy fashion. Until, that is, I started SQUEEZING my pussy muscles and forced out one beautiful red drop. I let it sit there for a minute before I smeared it onto my fingertip, inspected it visually, and then sucked my finger clean. The flavor was perfectly bloody without being overpowering (it was a very minute amount), just a nice taste of salty iron.

No one in the chatroom complained so I took that to be a good sign.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Horniest Part of my Cycle

People (ahem, men) are often curious what part of women's cycles leave us the horniest. It seems to vary from one woman to the next, but I tend to be horniest right BEFORE my period, when I have pre-menstrual syndrome.

When I have PMS I often find myself in a very agitated and angry state of arousal. If I get too stimulated and aroused at this point, I truly get the feeling that I will FREAK OUT if I do not have an orgasm. It's the time of the month when I feel the most like rough sex, and I don't mean that *I* want to be treated roughly, but that I want to treat my lover roughly.

Now that I'm on the pill my "cycle" is pretty much nonexistent since the pill regulates your hormones so there aren't real cyclical fluctuations. As a result, I don't notice a real difference from one week to the next. During the "off" week when I'm flowing and not taking any pills, I do seem to initiate sex more often, usually after the first couple of days when I'm not really flowing. Then when we fuck I start bleeding again, often a bright red. I wonder what kind of chemical reaction my boyfriend's semen has inside me with my menstrual fluid and if that is what causes the blood to look so "fresh" and almost koolaid colored? Other times, if I really am at the end of my period days the combination of his cum and my scanty residual uterine debris is really gross looking with a few blobs of beige floating in a limpid puddle of spooge.

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

Flow of Information

While my mom was visiting I asked her if her flow decreased as she got older, and she said yes, for sure. Part of why I asked was to see if her experience was different at my age as a woman who'd given birth already (compared to me, since I haven't had kids).

Most of the women I've talked to in their thirties and forties complain of a heavier flow than when they were younger, and I'd wondered if it was because of having kids, but apparently not. I know fibroid tumours, etc. are pretty common so maybe that's why they have heavy flows. I don't know.

My mom also said that she misses having her period now that she's gone through menopause. She said she misses the release and letting go, and that it always felt like a relief. She said that menopause was like constant PMS.

Apparently my great-great-grandmother (on my mom's dad's mom's side) killed herself in her fifties, perhaps because menopause sucked so fucking hard for her.

I don't know if people realize the enormous impact of hormones on our state of mind. For all of the PMDD commercials on television I still get the feeling most people think it's some kind of a joke or something a few women exaggerate. It's really dangerous, I think, to dismiss the violent impulses we can feel when our hormones are fluctuating or fucked up. There have been times I think I'd have seriously thought about killing myself if I hadn't realized what was going on: hormones. So instead of SERIOUSLY thinking about it, I just CASUALLY thought about it and tried to console myself that the way I felt was only temporary (until the next month, of course).

I wonder why, as I've gotten older, my flow has decreased, but my PMS has gotten worse. Oh well, I'm thankful for birth control pills evening me out because I don't know if I could have taken much more of that crap.

Only twenty years (approximately) to go before I have to deal with menopause. I hope by then they'll have figured out a safe hormone cocktail for us to take.

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