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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Bloody Wooden Toilet Seat

We just spent a couple of nights shooting photos in a hotel with a Victorian whorehouse theme, so our toilet had an antique-reproduction feel to it right down to the wooden toilet seat.

I have *always* found wooden toilet seats to be disgusting even if there were no visible signs of foulness; you just can't get a wooden toilet seat clean, okay? Proof positive: looking at this hotel toilet seat with BLOOD STAINS. I could guess what happened -- it was probably an accidental tampon fling 'n splat (when you're taking out a tampon while seated and it's really soaked sometimes it swings out forcefully and deposits blood on the seat) or maybe just a stand 'n drip. Either way, you'd think the woman would have IMMEDIATELY wiped up her mess so it wouldn't soak into the wood and permanently stain it, but some women, let's face it, are fucking disgusting shameless pigs who will piss or bleed (or even shit) all over a toilet and have no qualms whatsoever about leaving their mess for the next person. Whether it's inconsiderate laziness or that they actually get their jollies off of leaving their bodily fluids for someone else to encounter, it's nasty.

Imagine: you're having a romantic weekend at a Victorian hotel. Your lover sits his or her sweet, clean bottom down on a (cough) WOODEN toilet seat to pee, then returns to bed. You roll your lover over onto his/her stomach and proceed to kiss and lick and suck on his/her thighs and ass cheeks. Next thing you know, you have hepatitis or e-coli because of an unsanitary wooden toilet seat.

Seriously, I am usually not at all uptight about sitting my rear down on a public toilet seat; I get mad if it's wet, but realize it's probably not a serious threat to my health. But that's if the toilet is made of a material that can be sanitized regularly as opposed to WOOD with it's fissures and cracks and porous nature.

You may wonder, then, if I hovered during our stay. No, I didn't hover. Nor did I cover (with toilet paper or some other material the way some people do so their precious butts don't touch any surface other people's butts touched). But I still felt vaguely annoyed by the presence of the blood and spread my legs wider than usual to try to avoid having my skin touch that area. Of course, it all seemed pointless after I had explosive diarrhea and realized my foul liquid poop had splattered onto the back of the WOODEN seat since I'd not fully sealed the opening with my entire rear end. In wiping off the brown droplet I realized the futility of trying to avoid visible stains, knowing that there could be soaked-in shit-spatter all over the seat and I wouldn't be able to see it. Disgusting!!

You may NOW wonder how much of a hypocrite I was in terms of leaving my diarrhea speckles on the inside of the bowl, on the rim, and under the seat. I did consider wiping it up, feeling sorry for the housekeepers who would encounter it. But instead I decided that they probably encounter much worse and left a $20 tip instead (is $20 okay? We didn't leave a mess anywhere else . . . I have no idea what the tip-rate is for housekeepers these days or what they'd hope for after encountering my food-poisoned feces). I probably would have gone to the trouble of cleaning it up myself IF the toilet had been pristine (aka BLOODLESS) upon our arrival, but seriously -- how often do those housekeepers look at that blood-stain and just totally ignore it while they wrap that "sanitized for your protection" loop around the fucker? What a joke!

I was going to take a photograph of the blood-stain for my fetishists' enjoyment, but I didn't get a chance to do so before I completely ruined the picturesque quality of the commode with my poop-soup. Sorry, guys.


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8:29 AM  

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